TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically known for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from put. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have One more position where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It's that he must end applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 Trump Tower Damascus months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting attention from Intercontinental buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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